shoulda been a dentist

“I should have been a dentist, because I’m pulling a lot of teeth.” I said that to myself several times yesterday. I was researching a story, and everyone I talked to claimed not to know anything about it and tried to pass me off to someone else, who they assured me would have the answers. Later, I was taking pictures at the DMV (brilliant, I know, but it was an assignment and there was no way out of it, someone had to do it my friend, insert more excuses) and no one wanted me to take their picture. Hello people, whatever pics I snap will be a lot more flattering than the ones the DMV takes and then memorializes on a little plastic card for numerous highway patrolmen to examine.

Which reminds me, I haven’t shared my Florida stories yet. It’s partly because I’ve been so preoccupied with my deceased iPod (the CPR didn’t work), but we’ll come back to that.

Rob left Jacksonville for Greece and I flew into Jacksonville. It was the day of a class Lauren could not miss (she’s studying for the bar this summer – like the Florida law bar, not the alcohol bar), so Rob left his keys in the car and I drove it two and a half hours to Tallahassee. His car has Michigan plates, and I joked with Lauren that it would not look good to the patrolman if I got pulled over in Florida with a Missouri driver’s license and Michigan plates registered to someone completely unrelated to myself.

Which leads me away from Florida stories and back to highway patrolmen. This is a maze of a blog, so stick with me and follow the smell of cheese. I have to check the highway patrol crash web site every day and write up stories about any injury wrecks. I wrote one about a car that crashed into a horse and buggy. The report listed the horse and buggy as “totaled.” Now, I didn’t know precisely what that meant, but I didn’t have time to call up the HiPo. I thought I’d include that info. in the story and then send it off to the editor. If she didn’t have any objections, then it would go into the paper.

However, I got a call from a woman who was quite irked about the horse and buggy being reported as “totaled,” because she didn’t know what that meant. I admit, I didn’t know either, but why was she irritated at me? I just wrote what the highway patrol put on their report. That seemed to calm her down a bit. So Gerry, what does it mean? Is the horse dead?

Back to Florida (I wish):

Lauren and I went to see a movie on the evening of my arrival. It just so happened that we sat behind a row of talkative teenage girls. They were talkative to the point of making it difficult for us to hear. I really wanted to do some chair-kicking or even yelling, but I controlled myself. At a climax in the movie, one girl was yapping so loudly we missed a vital line, and Lauren said, “Sshh!” It was a very quick, quiet, and if I may say so, polite shushing. You would have thought Lauren grabbed the adolescent by her giant earring and threatened to ship her grandmother to Kyrgyzstan in a wooden box. The girl turned around and said in a tone both petulant and incredulous, “Did you just SHUSH ME?!? I’M ‘ONNA KILL YOU!” Although she continued to yap, I stared at her thinking of the ways I wanted to harm her. She was surprisingly well-behaved for the rest of the movie, but followed us out afterward, yelling, “MS. SHUSH! HELLO! EXCUSE ME, MS. SHUSH!” All sassy-like. She was awfully big for her britches.

On a completely unrelated note, I would like to talk about my friend Melinda. I can talk about her openly here because she does not read my blog. Her new Facebook profile picture is a signed autograph of Rainn Wilson (Dwight from The Office – my boyfriend) and it says, “Melinda, you suck. Rainn Wilson.” I hate her a lot.

Where is Sarah’s iPod?
It’s in Alaska. It is not my original iPod. I was certain that sad face meant I would be getting a new one, and I was right. I shipped it to California, but they said nyet. So the new iPod was ordered and the tracking info e-mailed to me. It started out in Shenzhen, China. That’s right, my adopted motherland. Then it went to an island near Hong Kong, and now it is in Alaska, anxiously awaiting further shipment to the heartland.

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