Joaquin Phoenix — The beard. And the career.
Sonic — No more hot lattes? What good are you?
Humansville Star-Leader — If you’re going to rip off my stories, at least change the headlines so it’s not so obvious

Rachael Ray — Why weren’t you the one to invent the 30-minute meth recipe, a.k.a. Shake and Bake? I’m so disappointed.
Box next to my desk that says "ALLERGEN HAZARD" — Really? Don’t touch me.

Woods Supermarket — You know what you did.
Plum jelly — If I had wanted you on my floorboards, I would have dumped you there intentionally.
The weekend — You are supposed to be the end of my week, not two more days in which I have to work.
Everything else — You make me itch. Don’t touch me.