drinking the dregs of winter

In no particular order, here are my recommendations for re-engergizing yourself during the long, cold days of winter.
• Sunlight. I thought it would be a good idea to walk around the building on my breaks, soaking sunlight into that nerve in the top of my head that’s supposed to keep me happy if I bathe it in actual light. Reporter Jessica Oliver and I walked around the building on our breaks maybe four times before she said Tuesdays and Thursdays were not convenient for her because she sends the pages to the printer. Now she doesn’t want to walk around the building on any day because of the snow. I blame her for my personal energy crisis.
• Theater. Going to the movies is one of my top things to do. I like scary movies, action movies, dramas and comedies. I convinced Jessica to see “Zombieland,” with me a couple months ago because it’s funnier than it is scary. However, she refuses to see any of the other movies I want to see, like “The Crazies,” or “Wolfman.” She wants to see awful stuff like “Dear John,” and “Valentine’s Day.” Barf. I blame her for being such a cinematic disappointment.
• Family. I visited my hometown of Boonville this weekend to help my sister-in-law, Cynda, celebrate her birthday. I got to see all of my brothers and sisters, nephew and niece and I patted the one on the way (nickname: Little Bun). The need of family has been fulfilled for the moment, so I have nothing to blame Jessica for here. However, earlier she commented that she doesn’t have family and I pointed out to her that she has parents and a brother. She said she doesn’t have family around here, so I told her I was her family. She scoffed, so I said, “We are family in Christ.” She scoffed again, so I told her, “Face it, we are so going to be roommates in heaven. I’ve already requested preferred housing for us — the ruby-encrusted castle on a cloud.” Then she laughed, which is sort of an upgrade from a scoff. Then she commented that God would not want us to be roommates because there would be too much bickering. So I’m back to blaming her for something, the ingrate.
• Laughter. If laughter were medicine, I would not want it to be cherry flavored, because I ate some cherry cough drops once when I had the stomach flu, so now I associate cherry flavored medicinal items with nausea. Jessica said something about a chair, and if you add a Y at the end, it becomes “chairy.” So now I feel sick. Thanks a lot, Jessica.
• Talk loudly. People are more irritable in the winter (they need sunlight), so you can goad them by shouting at them, which will bring you happiness. So I speak loudly, especially on deadline, and that really seems to push Jessica’s buttons.
• Blame a co-worker for everything. I have recently found that you can just blame everything that’s wrong with the world on the person who sits closest to you for eight hours a day. Jessica and I share a window between our cubicles, and sometimes she pretends she can’t even hear me when I’m blaming her. I know she’s pretending because she can somehow, suspiciously, always hear when I’m playing “Last Christmas,” by Wham! at any given time of the year. I blame her for not listening when I’m blaming her for something.

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