Tuesday and Wednesday nights are highly anticipated by senior citizens and pre-teens, but America’s pets exhibit increasing signs of impending suicide after exposure to "American Idol" night, according to a recent study by the Sarah Department of Health.
"They say music soothes the savage beast, but amateurish karaoke-style warbling increases animal anxiety, panic attack and manic episodes," Director Sarah Leona said.
Pets’ preferences are largely ignored while their owners put quart Ziploc bags on their feet and drool at the television, the study finds. Two dogs studied during the 48-hour period in question appeared perky and attentive at the beginning of the study, but began to droop into a comatose state, untempted even by the wiles of a chocolate chip cookie.
"I can’t believe the indignity I suffer on week nights when that drivel comes on," Jazbo wrote in a report to the Sarah Department of Health.
Jazbo’s younger sister, Puppy, has pre-typed her suicide note.
"Good-bye, cruel household that subjects me to routine torture via Simon Cowell," Puppy’s note said.
In an effort to alert her owner to her suicidal plight, Puppy put the note on the refrigerator. Unfortunately, she is only four inches tall, and none of her owners have noticed it yet, Puppy said, as their eye level is roughly four feet higher and obstructed by cataracts.
Jazbo and Puppy’s owners declined to comment, citing busy schedules of leaving their mouths hanging open like they have a chromosome missing.