Since my recent optimism of writing a column of awesome things, I’ve thought of a bunch of things I hate.
This is probably a better testament to my personality — mostly pessimism with a facade of realism and a sprinkle of optimism.
• Grandmothers who do not want to be called Grandma or Granny or Nana because it makes them sound old. Listen, Granny. You had a kid. Then that kid had a kid. Your name is something old-sounding. When you say things like, “I’m not old enough to be called Nana!” it makes me want to smack you upside the head with a sack of quarters. I’m 29 and my friend’s daughter jokingly calls me Granny and I love it.
• Painfully forced modern metaphors for Christianity, God or Jesus. “God/Jesus is my co-pilot.” I once heard a guy say he wanted to be a machine for God. I vomited into a sling I made out of my own hair. That’s how disgusted I was. Jesus already gave us a bunch of metaphors, and none of them involved air travel or robots. Let’s leave the metaphors to the guy who knows all, OK?
• When someone wants me to agree with everything they say. Look, I’m listening to you. That should be enough. Why can’t I just sit here quietly?
• Hearing from a third (or fourth) party that someone else is upset with me. Seriously? Tell me yourself, you little girl. Also, please don’t punch me for calling you a little girl. I prefer to be kicked, thereby avoiding damage to my face. (I feel I could get away with smacking Granny with a sack of quarters because she’s too old to chase me down. She is someone’s grandmother, after all.)
• Celebrities: I don’t give a rat’s fart about who you’re voting for. I don’t care what you think about politics. The less I know of your personal life, the better. Otherwise, when I watch you in a movie, the magic is gone because you are no longer the character you’re trying to play. You’re some character trying to play another character.
• “Can I ask you a question?” or “Can ask question?” from those people hawking lotion at a kiosk in the mall. You want me to think you’re interested in getting to know me, but really it’s a ploy to say, “Do you moisturize?” or “Do moisturize?” Don’t I look like I moisturize? Thanks for making me think you actually recognized that I am a person before you insulted me.
• “You don’t understand.” You’re right. I don’t understand and I couldn’t possibly understand. I don’t even understand English, my native tongue. These sounds I’m making right now — what are they? What is this? Blaggydokoiolfjaafad.
• Abbreviations for phrases, e.g. ROFL, IDK, TTYL, LOL — particularly LOL. Did you really just laugh out loud? When you add LOL to the end of every text or message, I sincerely doubt your veracity. If you really laugh aloud that much while texting, I would like to hide behind a Dumpster and watch you, you crazy homeless person.