Me: I know where we can get a Hummer
Matt: And where might that be?
Me: I can tell you the exact address in a few minutes.
Matt: I just remembered that they have real Hummers at the armory, here in Springfield. They may be a little hard to access though.
Me: [Address of Hummer]
Me: Homeland Security is totally reading this.
Matt: Sure, sure. But not if we wrap our phones in aluminum foil.
Me: Oooh good idea.
I’ve been playing Grand Theft Auto 3 quite a bit on my iPad, and I’ve come to the conclusion that we need access to a big, sturdy vehicle for when the zombie apocalypse occurs.
You’re probably wondering how I came to such a conclusion about the zombie apocalypse while playing a car-stealing game. I could explain it to you, but you should know that all things lead back to zombies, in the end.
I told Matt that we needed to do our research ahead of time and find a Hummer before the dead rise again, but that we will have to wait to take it until after hell has literally broken loose.
In the grocery store, I had the epiphany — NUTS! They’re easy to carry, will keep for a long time and have a lot of protein. They are the perfect apocalypse food. So we’ll be looting lots of nuts when the military and government have ceased to exist and we can go shopping for free.
(Well, we’ll have paid with the blood of our comrades, I told Matt, because of course I was saying all of this out loud as we shopped.)
Which reminds me
Of the ending to last night’s “The Walking Dead.” Oh, how I cried. I hate you, “The Walking Dead,” and yet I love you, too.